Dear Vera,
Lying here next to you, my three-day-old Vera Mae, is surreal. Your birth feels like a distant dream instead of a very recent and incredibly painful reality. I will never be the same.
Lying here next to you, my three-day-old Vera Mae, is surreal. Your birth feels like a distant dream instead of a very recent and incredibly painful reality. I will never be the same.
From before your conception I began having apprehensions
about your birth. I could not figure out why I would be scared to get pregnant
when I had always been excited in the past. I remember that I was specifically
afraid of pain during your birth, which I found even stranger since I had such
a peaceful and smooth birth with Madalyn. However, I could not deny that
Heavenly Father was clearly and bluntly prompting me that I needed to have
another baby and that now was the time, even though waiting longer sounded much
easier to me. When the pregnancy test showed that second, all-telling line that
meant we were expecting our 5th baby, I began to shake. I tried to
calm myself down and told your Daddy the news. Once I said it out loud I began
to cry. I was so afraid. After a few minutes I regained my composure and was
filled with an intense rush of comfort. I felt your strong spirit with me and
had an overwhelming feeling that you would be a huge blessing in my life.
Throughout my pregnancy I still had so many times where I
wondered if you were okay, and if you were developing normally. I opted to have
an ultrasound just to be sure that there were no signs of problems. We did not
peek at your gender, but were told that you looked healthy and whole and
everything was progressing well. After that confirmation, Daddy and I prayerfully
decided to go forward with our plans for another home birth.
I asked your Daddy to give me a blessing of comfort to help
me know that our decision to have you at home was the best choice. In the
blessing he blessed me to understand that the process of bearing children comes
from Heavenly Father and is divine in nature. He told me that as I took part in
the creation of life, Heavenly Father would watch over and protect me and give
me comfort as I seek it and according to my faith. He also blessed me that my
body would heal quickly so I could attend to my responsibilities and comfort my
new baby. After receiving this blessing I felt like I would be safe at home
because Heavenly Father would protect me, as long as I sought His comfort and I
had enough faith.
As I neared the end of my pregnancy I began to feel some of these same fears returning, although I didn’t know just how fearful I was until I began having contractions in the middle of the night. The thought that this could be labor filled me with so much fear of the pain and of something going terribly wrong that I believe it may be why the contractions stopped and labor did not continue. This happened twice. The second time it happened was Saturday night, over General Conference weekend. I realized that I needed to do some deep soul searching and praying to overcome this fear. I alternated between being afraid you might die and being afraid I might die. Many of the talks during conference talked specifically about birth, raising children, and why the family is central to Heavenly Father’s plan for us here on Earth. But death was also mentioned a lot. I was afraid this meant that I should be prepared for the worst.
I asked your Daddy for another blessing of comfort that
Sunday night after General Conference was over. I thought for sure you were
coming that night. It felt so imminent. I was secretly praying over and over
again to hear him say that you and I would both be safe, healthy and whole, but
he didn’t say anything like that. He said this: “I give you a blessing of
comfort in your final hours of preparing for the birth of this new baby. As you
participate in the creation of life, know that you are surrounded by a great
group of people whom you can call on to help you.” I wondered why Heavenly
Father wouldn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear if it were true. After
reviewing my notes about the last blessing I’d received and spending time
thinking and praying, I decided Heavenly Father was testing my faith. I
determined to prove to Him, and to myself, that I could completely surrender to
His will and that my faith was strong.
Since you were not born until 6 days afterward, I spent the
week reading talks from the prophets and praying for peace about this birth,
and for the strength to endure whatever may be coming my way. I took comfort in
these words I found in a talk by President Thomas S.
Monson titled, “Behold Thy Mother” given in April 1998. In this talk he said,
“Who can comprehend in its entirety the lofty role of a mother? With perfect trust in God, she walks, her hand in His, into the valley of the shadow of death, that you and I might come forth into light.”
This thought really stuck with me. Whenever I prayed for peace, comfort and strength throughout the week, I had the mental image of my hand literally being in His while I gave birth to you. So many times during my actual labor contractions, when I felt the need to surrender to the pain more and more, I repeated in my head, “My hand in Thine, Heavenly Father, my hand in Thine.” But I had no idea how far I really would tread into “the valley of the shadow of death”… how close both you and I would come to it.
“Who can comprehend in its entirety the lofty role of a mother? With perfect trust in God, she walks, her hand in His, into the valley of the shadow of death, that you and I might come forth into light.”
This thought really stuck with me. Whenever I prayed for peace, comfort and strength throughout the week, I had the mental image of my hand literally being in His while I gave birth to you. So many times during my actual labor contractions, when I felt the need to surrender to the pain more and more, I repeated in my head, “My hand in Thine, Heavenly Father, my hand in Thine.” But I had no idea how far I really would tread into “the valley of the shadow of death”… how close both you and I would come to it.
That same week, I stumbled upon another woman’s birth story
on her blog. She was also LDS and her story was so well written. I got very emotional reading it. She told about
five specific women whom she had been close to who had passed away.
She felt strongly that these 5 women would be present at her birth to support
her from beyond the veil. At the beginning of her labor she asked her husband
for a priesthood blessing. In the blessing she was told that Heavenly Father
wanted her to know she was surrounded by angels. I felt impressed that if
she was surrounded by angels at her birth then I would be as well and
specifically that my grandmother, Vera Mae, would be present at your birth. I
remember distinctly feeling her presence in the temple on the day that your
Daddy and I were sealed, and I knew she would definitely want to be here with
us when I gave birth to you – especially since I had decided to name you after
her.
A few days before your birth I began feeling like my
belly was smaller. I thought this must be due to the fact that your head had
dropped down into my pelvis, but when I went to a prenatal checkup the day
before your birth, the midwife told me that your head was not down in my pelvis
at all and that I was measuring smaller than I had been the week before. This
concerned me but I had been feeling you move every day and I thought if you
were moving then you must be doing alright in there. That night, before bed, I
rubbed some essential oils on my belly to try and bring on contractions if you
were ready to come.
The next morning, I awoke at 3:00 with my first hard labor
pain. Instead of fear, this time I felt ready. My contractions came every 10-20
minutes and I was able to sleep in between them until around 6:00, when I
decided it was time to wake your Daddy and tell him the news. I placed my hand
gently on his arm and patted him a little. He sleepily responded, “Hm? Are you
having the baby?”
By my calculations, if this labor was as long as Madalyn’s
had been, I would be holding you in my arms by about 9:00. Ha! That thought is
almost funny now. This labor ended up being very different from any other I had
experienced. My contractions started becoming extremely inconsistent, varying
from hard and short, to barely noticeable, to long and gentle, but they
remained about 20 minutes apart. I could tell we were not getting anywhere very
fast and felt like at that rate you may not be born until the next day! I
called Heather, my midwife, and asked her to come over and break my water to
help speed things along. My sister, Jenny, and my mom were already here and
Heather arrived at noon. She was glad to come and expressed her relief that I
was finally ready to get things moving, since she had felt anxious about
getting you here for a while now. My placenta was at the front of my belly,
which made it difficult to tell what position you were in, but Heather felt
around and decided you were a little posterior. Before we did anything she
wanted to try and help you turn. She had me get on my hands and knees and she
rubbed my belly and tried to coax you into turning. After a few
minutes she felt again and you felt like you were in a good position so we
proceeded.
She had me sit on a birthing stool to break my water. Daddy
held on to me from behind and let me lean on him. When she broke the sac, no
water came out. She tried pushing your head back a little to see if your head
was stopping the water from leaking but all attempts to locate any fluid
failed. There simply was no water. This worried me and Heather confirmed that
it was concerning but she said it was just a good thing you were coming today
and made me feel like everything would be okay. I lay in bed while Heather
rubbed more essential oils on my belly and gave my belly a good massage to try
and stimulate contractions. Daddy rubbed oils on my feet. That felt so good!
After about an hour my contractions started getting stronger and closer
together. I began feeling discouraged and emotional, which made me think I
might be transitioning to the final stage of labor and so I tried to take
courage from that. Once I was certain that the contractions would not fade
again Daddy filled up the birthing pool and I got in and continued to labor in
the water.
As the labor began to intensify I could tell that it was not progressing like my labor with Madalyn had. I thought I’d be pushing and have a baby any minute but instead I just kept feeling more and more pressure on my bones. My lower back and hips hurt badly and this did not ease up between contractions, but was constant. I remained very calm and relaxed, trying desperately to surrender to the pain and make my body open. I kept imagining the end goal: holding you in my arms. I wanted to do whatever it took to get you here as fast as possible. For now, that meant relaxing and breathing long and slow during contractions. I felt like you were descending down the birth canal but I was not getting the urge to push.
One of the assistant midwives had been monitoring your heart rate intermittently, but at this point Heather had the impression that we should listen to your heart during a contraction. When we did, we discovered that your heart rate was dropping very low. It would drop down to the 40s and sometimes would disappear completely before the contraction would end and your heart rate would jump right back up to a normal rate in the 130s. Heather looked me in the eye and told me that I needed to push and get you out now. For an instant I thought, “This is it. This is what I’ve feared and it’s happening now.” But I didn’t have time to dwell on that thought. Aunt Jenny was behind me and I reached up and grabbed her shoulders to help me bear down. Daddy was in front of me, waiting to catch you when you came out. I pushed with all my strength during contractions for about 10 minutes, making very little progress.
Finally, Heather decided I needed to get out of the pool and sit on the birthing stool so we could let gravity help. Standing up and climbing out of the pool with your head in the birth canal was incredibly painful. I heard myself whining and crying like a small child as many hands assisted me out of the pool and onto the stool. Daddy was holding me up on my right side with Aunt Jenny on my left. Someone put an oxygen mask on me as Heather reached inside to feel your head and discovered that you were coming out posterior. Aunt Jenny was encouraging me to push harder by calmly and authoritatively speaking into my left ear, “Come on Kate, push.” Daddy was encouraging me through his fearful tears by pleading into my right ear, “Come on Honey, you can do it.” I continued pushing through a few more contractions, making just a little bit of progress with each push. Meanwhile your heart rate was still dropping during contractions but would speed back up once the contraction was over. Since Aunt Jenny is also a midwife, she asked Heather for permission to step in and turn you. Heather moved over as Aunt Jenny reached both hands inside me, grabbed your head and flipped you around, while I pushed for my life and yours. I have never heard such gut-wrenching screams come out of my mouth, nor have I ever been in so much pain. I could feel your Daddy’s broad shoulders shaking as he cried. His forehead was pressed against the side of my face and his pleading with me to push began sounding more like a prayer. I knew he was afraid of losing me.
My arms and legs began to tingle and I wanted so badly to escape the pain. For a moment I thought I might pass out. The thought that willed me to remain conscious was the fact that if I passed out no one would be pushing. Between Jenny’s confident orders to continue pushing and Daddy’s pleading for me to make it through this, I found the strength I needed. At 5:46 PM, with the final prayer of hundreds asking the Lord to help me make it to the other side of this pain, my screaming changed to a roar as I finally pushed you out of me. I was in shock as they handed me a perfectly red and screaming, bushy-black-haired baby! I held you to my chest and was so excited to hear you cry because that meant you were breathing and you were alright. You were covered in a towel but I felt between your legs with my hands to determine if you were a boy or a girl. I announced that you were indeed a girl, just like we’d thought.
Everyone helped me move to the bed and lie down, where Daddy
lay next to me and we got to stare at your beautiful face, examine your perfect
little body, and talk about what had just happened. I told him that I couldn’t
believe I had survived that. He told me how much I had scared him and how
amazed he was at my strength. We both cried. I was so relieved that the pain
was over. I had chosen your name and kept it a secret from Daddy, but I got to
tell him now that your name would be Vera Mae. We both cried again.
The midwives were waiting for my placenta to detach and it was taking a while. I have a history of bleeding too much after birth so they were being extra vigilant in watching my bleeding. They thought my placenta had detached but my pushing and Heather’s tugging wouldn’t bring the placenta out. I was bleeding quite a bit and Heather was worried that the placenta was stuck so she reached her arm up inside of me and scraped the placenta off my uterine wall with her hand. All the relief of having passed the pain was gone in an instant. It felt like I had gone back in time and was reliving your birth again. The pain was so excruciating that I turned to the side and bit Daddy’s shirt. I’m not certain but the assistant midwives must have been holding me down because I was squirming to break free of the pain. I finally got a leg loose and kicked Heather away from the bed! I couldn’t help it. I felt like I was fighting for my life. When she held her arm up to remove her glove I saw my blood smeared nearly to her elbow. Whatever she’d had time to do in there must have worked because moments later the placenta fell out. Now it was finally over. Before Daddy and I went to sleep that night we offered a prayer of gratitude to Heavenly Father for carrying us through and keeping us safe.
You have been a great eater and are obviously a resilient little
thing. You’re so soft and absolutely perfect in every way. I love to brush my
cheek against your face and feel your fuzzy hair tickle me. Every time Daddy
and I have discussed our feelings about your birth we have cried, feeling so
strongly how much we have been blessed.
When Daddy took you to your first checkup with the pediatrician, he came home and told me the doctor he’d seen that day had served his mission in Russia and that, in Russian, the word “Vera” meant “faith”. So perfect.
When Daddy took you to your first checkup with the pediatrician, he came home and told me the doctor he’d seen that day had served his mission in Russia and that, in Russian, the word “Vera” meant “faith”. So perfect.
Even though I have been through so much pain, I have not
felt traumatized or disappointed about any aspect of your birth. I feel at
peace. I really feel like everything happened exactly how Heavenly Father
intended it to, and that my midwives and my sister could not have handled the
situation better. I think I would have been cheating myself to not fully
experience your birth, pain and all. I suppose I had imagined that if I had
enough faith God would take away the pain, or at least lessen it. But I learned
a great lesson through this experience. I learned that the actual and greater
comfort I received through my faith was that I was not left alone in my
suffering. I felt strength given to me by those immediately surrounding me, by the
presence of angels and the Holy Ghost, and by the prayers of many friends and
family who were praying for me that day.
Your Daddy and I are so happy to welcome your sweet spirit to our family. We could not love you more.
Love,
Mommy
Mommy
